Friday, June 16, 2006

II: 157

her words sting --
the mosquitos want me
just as I am

5 Comments:

At June 16, 2006 11:03 PM, Blogger Aurora said...

I'm still laughing at this one....:)

 
At June 17, 2006 8:42 AM, Blogger david giacalone said...

Hi, Aurora. As you know, making you smile is a major motivation for my poetry. Thanks for stopping by my sleepy little site during my summer slump.

The first version of this poem had a different opening line. What do you think?

her words sting --
the mosquitos want me
just as I am

 
At June 17, 2006 9:25 AM, Blogger Aurora said...

That's actually pretty excellent, David. I could see the original version working extremely well in a haibun.

 
At June 17, 2006 10:01 AM, Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

You know, I actually prefer your 1st choice of the 1st line! The other is fine, but this one hits me better.

 
At June 17, 2006 10:49 AM, Blogger david giacalone said...

Thanks, A.A. and Andrew. You've convinced me to switch back (for the time being, at least) to the first version, which was actually posted here for a few hours yesterday.

Writing prose to complete a haibun would be tricky -- the link needs to be subtle. But, I shall think let my unconcious stew over it a bit.

 

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